WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
