I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
