Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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