Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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