Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
