tell your sister to shave her snatch
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
