Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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