I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
