My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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