Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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