That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
