don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
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Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
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Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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