I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
