Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
