I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
