I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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