I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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