Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
