I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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