I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
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Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
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I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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