i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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