If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
