I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
