I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
