He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
