i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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