Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Boobs speak an international language.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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