Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You just made me feel so damn special
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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