according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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