Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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