You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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