SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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