i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
