Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
