If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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