So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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