I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
