Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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