you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Actions speak louder than pants.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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