she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
