how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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