The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
