Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
