That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
