Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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