not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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