I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
