I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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