it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
