I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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