I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
