He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
