when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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