I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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