did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
